Secrets
by KathrynJ
Summary: Chakotay and Janeway must struggle with emotions brought to life on New Earth


Secrets  
by KathrynJ  
  
Chakotay :  
  
Well it's been an hour since I returned to Voyager from Rondan 5 and Kathryn still hasn't come to obtain a report. She must know I'm back by now. Nothing spreads worse on a ship than any type of news, especially away team returns. Everyone is always anxious to hear about how it went, what was discovered. The Captain is usually at the front of the line. I resist the urge to call for her. I did return much faster than planned, I'm sure she will call for me shortly. I go back to the job of making a written detailed report.  
  
Kathryn :  
  
He looks so good sitting there with the lake stretched out behind him. A perfect replica of my First Officer. I watch the hologram fishing and pull in another of the small fish like creatures we used to love to eat together on New Earth. I remember the night he... we... almost made love. I had pulled away, clinging to the notion we would be rescued. I was right of course, a cure had been found. When we returned to Voyager it was difficult at first, at least for me. He would enter my office, sit on the edge of my desk and we would go over the daily reports. He was so close, and my emotions so dangerously close to the surface. I almost reprimanded him once. Told him to go and sit in the chair and get the hell off my desk. But that would only have made him more aware of the effect his close proximity had on me. I contained the unspoken reprimand and tried to focus on work. Things became harder to deny as my body had a will of it's own. I longed to know, what it would have been like had I not stopped him that night. How it would have felt to lose myself in his embrace, to feel his muscular arms wrapped around me. I decided I had to face it. I designed this program with that in mind. I couldn't allow myself to indulge in enjoying my First Officer in such a fashion. But I have to get him out of my system. I am hoping this will help. I went to great pains to make the hologram as close to the real thing as I could. Programming in his mannerisms, and allowing the program the ability to read logs he had written so it could better randomize his actions, not make it so predictable. I wanted something as close to him as I can get, without the entanglements involved in a relationship with a subordinate officer. "This is just a one time thing, get you out of my system so I can focus on my job again." I tell myself out loud. The hologram turns to face me, looking just like he had that evening on New Earth. "Talking to yourself Kathryn? That's not a good sign you know." He smiles and chuckles. "I just came down to see if you were having any luck catching dinner." I reply, as I sit down next to him on the rock. Chakotay gets a mischievous look on his face as he answers what had become his usual comment in our last couple of weeks together on New Earth, "I'm catching fish, but what I really want to catch is still alluding me." "Perhaps you aren't using the correct bait." I answer, and smile at him as I put my hand on his shoulder. I watch the response to this change in my usual attitude. He smiles and touches my hand gently. I squeeze his shoulder and turn back to the shelter. He follows a short time later, approaching me from behind as I go through some results of my latest attempts at finding a cure. He puts his hands on my shoulders and begins to massage them. "You're tense." He says, as he works his fingers deep into the muscles of my shoulders and neck. I know this time I will encourage him, instead of discouraging him. I stand and turn to face him. His hands fall to my waist. As he leans into kiss me, I pull him close, his lips warm as I meet his kiss. "Mmmmmmm Kathryn." He murmurs as I run my hands over his shoulders and down his chest. I am aware this is just a hologram, yet it feels so real, looks so real. I allow myself to give into the illusion completely. I take his head in my hands as I kiss him long, hard and deep. He begins to undress me, kissing every inch of my flesh as it is exposed. I moan at the feel of his hands and warm mouth on me, sending electric currents of passion coursing through my body. His hands like flames on my skin setting me on fire. "Ohhh God, Yesssssssssss Chakotay... Don't Stop... Auuhhhhhhh Yesssssssssssss."  
  
Chakotay :  
  
I can't help but be concerned, I haven't heard from her and I've been back on board for well over an hour now. While it is not unusual for us to be out of contact that long, it is unusual for her not to check in to see how the mission went. I tap my combadge. "Chakotay to Captain Janeway." I receive no response and immediately become more concerned. I try to reach her again. "Chakotay to Captain Janeway, Please Respond." Still nothing, I feel myself get increasingly agitated. I resort to inquiring of her location. "Computer, location of Captain Kathryn Janeway." "Captain Kathryn Janeway is on holodeck one." Comes the reply from the computer. On the holodeck, yet no response? I wonder to myself. That is not like her. She always has her combadge where she can reach it. I decide to check out the situation, and head immediately to holodeck one. I reach the holodeck and look at the title of the program she is running, "Janeway New Earth" I notice also that the screen also displays the words "Security Codes Enabled." "Why would she have security codes enabled on a Holoprogram... what could she be doing in there that she is afraid of someone walking in on?" I say out loud to myself. "Talking to yourself Chakotay, not a good sign you know." Well Captain, your not responding to calls on your combadge, I have no choice but to override the Security and make sure you are safe, I think to myself as I enter the appropriate override codes. The holodeck door opens revealing a startlingly accurate depiction of New Earth. I enter the holodeck and begin walking towards the shelter. As I approach I hear moaning, moans of passion. I raise an eyebrow at the sounds that come from the shelter. What I wouldn't have given to be the one causing those moans to escape her throat. I know I should go, leave her in privacy, but I can't, I have to hear more, I want to see. I move quietly now and enter the shelter I see her on the bed with... Oh god. . Me! All that time I wanted her and she says no. Here she is with a hologram of ME! Gods she is beautiful. I watch "them" together, him pushing inside her hard and fast, her legs, those legs, wrapped around him so tightly pulling him deep into her. Her face is flushed with passion. I find my body responding, becoming hard, as I watch the hologram make love to her. It should be me, I think to myself. I can't take it much longer, her back arches as she moans in pleasure, her arms are wrapped around him tight, she cums calling his ... my. name loudly I wait until she is finished.  
  
Kathryn :  
  
The intensity of my climax makes me call out his name. I feel my whole body tense as I cling to him. My arms around his muscular body, I kiss him deeply and find myself wishing this was real. In another place and time perhaps it could be. Suddenly I hear someone say "Delete Chakotay Character." I look up as my arms close on thin air. Oh Gods, Chakotay is standing there, staring at me. I feel my face turn 50 shades of red. My embarrassment enormous. I wish I could just disappear into the bed. Hide. Make this not have happened, but I can't. I grab a blanket and quickly cover my nakedness as I hear him clap his hands. "Good show, Kathryn, is that all you want of me. Just a holocharacter? You knew how much I wanted you, how much I longed to hold you, to love you. Yet you resort to the holodeck, why not come to me. Let me Love you?" He says out loud. His face a tormented mask revealing disappointment, love and desire. I can see looking at him he is aroused by what he witnessed. "How long have you been standing there?" I manage to ask. "Long enough to know you want me. Long enough to know you are the most stubborn woman I have ever met. You deny your feelings for me. Deny us a love that could help us both through this. All in the name of protocols." He answers. He approaches the bed and sits on it. His body so close to mine. I find myself reaching for him, wanting him. My body reacts even as my mind denies it to. "Protocols are there for a reason Chakotay." My hand comes to rest on his arm, I look into his face. I know this has hurt him, he wasn't supposed to see this, I had the holodeck locked. What was he doing in here anyway? As if reading my mind he answers my unspoken question. "I was worried about you, you failed to answer on your combadge and the holodeck was locked. I was concerned something had happened to you. I didn't expect to intrude on something like this."  
  
Chakotay:  
  
I look into her eyes, her hand on my arm feels like fire, the strong scent of sex in the room is driving me crazy, I want her so bad. I move further onto the bed. She looks at me desire evident in her eyes even as she tells me protocols must keep us apart. I'm sure she believes that. But she doesn't pull away as I reach for her, touching the soft hair that cascades down her shoulders. She stiffens a little as I brush my hand over the top of the blanket she holds against her body. I look her in the eyes as I slowly pull it lower until her breasts are exposed. I break contact with her eyes as I gaze at them. I slowly encircle the nipple of one breast with my finger and she moans softly. I wrap my arms around her waist and gently move her so she is laying down. Taking her chin in my hand I kiss her, silencing the protest she begins to make as I pull the rest of the blanket off her. She is beautiful, I move my hands down her shoulders over her breasts and down her belly to her thighs. She makes soft whimpering sounds as I let my hands find the slick wetness between her legs. I kiss her harder as I slowly run my fingers across her soft wet flesh then push two fingers deep inside her. She gasps in pleasure and I can't help but smile as I listen to her moans. I resist the strong urge to take her right then and there. I want to take this slowly even as my body aches for her.  
  
Kathryn:  
  
I can't bring myself to physically resist him. My only protests as he uncovers me and drinks in the sight of my body with his eyes, are verbal. He ignores those protests. He knows I want him. I gasp in pleasure unable to control myself as he pushes his fingers deep inside me. God it feels so good. I shouldn't be doing this with him, but I can't stop it. I want him so badly. I reach for him, feeling how hard he is through his uniform pants. He gasps at my touch and moves his fingers harder and faster deep inside me again and again as his thumb massages my clit. He is driving me wild. I manage with one hand to free him of his pants and soon have my hand grasped around his erection, I begin stroking him, moaning he pulls himself from my reach.  
  
Chakotay:  
  
She is so beautiful, I watch her face, her pleasure evident. I continue to push my fingers deep into her warm wetness harder and faster as I listen to her moans. I can't take it anymore and move my body between her legs. I look deep into her eyes as I replace my fingers with my rock hard erection. By the gods I can't remember the last time I was this excited. I watch her face, flushed with desire as I push my hardness between her legs into the soft folds of her body. I kiss her harder, my hands roaming over her body, squeezing her breasts, massaging her shoulders. "I can't get enough of you." I murmur, barely able to stop myself from cuming too soon. I have waited so long to be with her. "Kathryn, ohhhhhhhh God, Kathryn." I find myself unable to say much more than her name, unable to think of anything else but the beautiful woman I have in my arms. Afraid I will wake up and she will be gone.  
  
Kathryn:  
  
I moan louder, he has me pinned on the bed, driving his hardness into me over and over again. I can't believe this is real. It has to be a dream. I fear I will wake up and he will be gone. I also fear I won't wake up and this will be real. He feels so good, I don't want to ever stop holding him like this. Involuntarily I find myself raking his back hard with my nails as my passion rises. I kiss him deeply moaning into his mouth. "Chakotay, Ohhhh. Yessssssssss. Chakotay," Suddenly it hits, I throw my head back calling his name loudly, like I have so many times before, in my dreams. I feel him tense as he cums, shooting deep inside me. I hold him close kissing him long and deep. I look into his eyes, I Love him so much. I can't seem to say it though, not yet anyway, it's too soon. I keep half expecting him to disappear and for me to wake up clutching my pillow against my breast instead of him. He stays, this time he is not a dream. This time he is real.  
  
Chakotay:  
  
I can't believe I'm here, holding her against me. I look into her eyes and see the Love in them. The words I know she won't speak. She is too stubborn. "I Love You." I say to her softly as I touch her cheek and kiss her neck. She pulls away and turns her head, clutching the blanket against her. I can't help but feel hurt. I tell her how I feel, still she denies it. Still she ignores her own feelings. I get off the bed and begin to get dressed. I see the hurt in her eyes, for only a moment then she hides it again behind her rank. Damn it Kathryn, why are you so stubborn! I think to myself, the message conveyed in my eyes. I finish pulling on my boots and straighten my uniform. She looks away. "This never happened then. Fine, enjoy your little holotoy." I bark at her, immediately sorry I did as soon the words escape my mouth. Her whole body changes in the way she is holding herself. I realize I might as well have slapped her as say those words to her. I open my mouth to say something, nothing comes out.  
  
Kathryn:  
  
I can't believe he said that. One minute he says he Loves me, the next, it never happened. holotoy... how dare he. I knew this was a mistake. I knew I should never have crossed the line. I find myself fighting back tears. I won't cry in front of him. Never again will I cry in front of him. I watch him stand there with his mouth opened. If this is how he wants it. "Dismissed, Commander." It is all I can bring myself to say. I watch him turn and leave. Now what? What have I done? Where do we go from here? What do we do? Gods my heart feels like it will break in two. I hold onto my chest the pain so deep it is physical. How could I have entertained the thought a relationship with him could be mine? I am a fool. Now I need to live with it. I get dressed end and delete the program and I head to the sanctuary of my Ready Room.  
  
Chakotay:  
  
Gods Chakotay, why did you do that? You knew she wouldn't say anything back. It was too soon. You scared her. She probably thought you wanted a commitment or something. Now she just thinks you're an asshole that used her. Of course she did make me feel used. Now what? As I run the scene over and over in my mind, I can think of many better things to say. Better things I could have done. I could have swept her into my arms and whispered "It's all right if you can't say it yet, I can say it enough for both of us." I could have said, "It's okay, I understand, one day at a time." Why in hell didn't I do that? Why did I have to let my ego get in the way? I see her enter the bridge and I barely look at her as she quickly retreats to her ready room. I wonder how long she will avoid me.  
  
Kathryn:  
  
It's been 3 days since I slept with him. We have only spoken to each other in strained voices, and only when necessary. I know this has to end soon. We can't go on like this and people are starting to talk. I steel myself for the conversation ahead. I know we need to clear the air, at least somewhat. I tap my combadge. "Janeway to Chakotay." I hear his strained voice, it sounds like the kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar every time I call for him these last few days. I know I sound the same when he calls me. "Report to my Ready Room Commander, I need a word with you." I listened to his acknowledgment and wonder... what am I going to say?  
  
Chakotay:  
  
Okay, I guess this is it. The showdown. The, "We need to work together for the sake of the ship," speech. I'm surprised it took her this long. Okay I'm not. I've been fighting with the urge to demand a meeting with her, I'm sure she would have turned me away. As I near her Ready Room door I feel my stomach twist in knots. I Love this woman. Why is this so hard? I ring the chime and hear her tense reply. I enter. She sits behind her desk looking every bit the Captain. She has carefully buried her feelings for me beneath the surface. I know her though, I can tell she is having a hard time forming her words. I will make it easy on her. I always try too. When I'm not making an asshole out of myself that is. "I'm sorry," I say in a low voice. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant what I said. I mean. I Love You Kathryn. If that is an offense then I'm guilty. I only said the things I said, because I was hurt, I poured my heart out to you, shared my deepest feelings and you rejected me." I see the look on her face. She sits quietly listening. I know this is what I was called here to discuss. She raises her hand to stop me from talking, this time I won't listen to her hand signals. She can bloody well have me thrown in the brig for insubordination if she wants. "I realize now you were scared. You didn't mean to hurt me, you were just not ready." I continue, as I move around her desk and kneel beside her chair. I decide I might as well go for broke I've already ignored her I might as well get it all out. I take her hands in mine as I see I am getting to her. "I should have known I was pushing for too much to fast. I just found you Kathryn, I don't want to go on like this, and I really don't want to go back to being apart. Let's take this one day at a time. Please..."  
  
Kathryn:  
  
I can only sit and stare at this wonderful man kneeling before me like I'm some sort of queen. I was all ready to ream him out. Tell him we need to behave like adults and just forget it happened. Put it behind us and try to be professionals about this. How does he do it? How does he manage to control me so well. One look from those eyes... I squeeze his hands in mine and realize I read his actions wrong before. He didn't use me, he felt used. It was I that was wrong. It was myself and my protocols that were at fault. I crossed the line with him willingly and then blamed him. I feel guilt sweep over me and I reach for him. He willingly hugs me tight in his arms. It feels so good to have someone I can fully lean on. I haven't had this for so long. I give into the feeling completely and find myself kissing his neck. He smiles and his eyes twinkle. His smile is contagious and I find myself smiling back. I don't let go of him. I kiss his lips gently then a little harder. "Kathryn..." he says my name and I smile. I realize the effect this is having on both of us. I feel my face flush. "Chakotay..." I answer back. My voice sounds low and heavy with desire. I stand and take his hand, leading him to the couch under the window. I lock down my ready room, priority disturbance only, allowed and voice at that. He chuckles at that and then turns more serious as he runs his hands over my body. I find myself moaning and I kiss him deeply exploring his mouth with my tongue, caressing his tongue with mine. He stops me and pulls his head back just an inch from my own, his breathing heavy with his own desire. I reach down and stroke his erection through the fabric of his uniform and he takes my hands in his. His lips gently brush my own as he asks in a low whisper if I'm sure this is what I want. I nod. He whispers again, breathing his hot breaths onto my skin. "I can't hear you, Kathryn... are you sure. this is what you want?" he asks. "Yes Chakotay, god yes. I want you." I manage to answer as he slips his hand down my pants and begins to massage my hot wetness. I pull my hands free of his grasp and quickly undo the closure on his pants, pushing them down out of my way. He gasps as I quickly take hold of his hardness, stroking it in my hands, gently squeezing on the head. I gently but firmly push him onto his back and watch the amused smile that forms on his lips as I struggle with my boots removing them hurriedly so I can get my pants off. I curse about needing faster to remove uniforms and he chuckles. I soon find myself chuckling right along with him as I lay my body down on top his, his laughter is infectious.  
  
Chakotay:  
  
I can't help but laugh as she fumbles with her boots, her pants at her knees trying to get the blasted things off. I could help her, but I like the idea that she is in a hurry to have me. I enjoy the view and then just as I worry she may be taking the laughter the wrong way she joins in and I relax again. She presses her body to mine and I am soon moaning instead of laughing. Her kisses feeling like fire on my skin as she removes my shirt and kisses my neck and chest. She straddles me and I moan loudly as she settles herself over my erection completely engulfing it deep inside her. Gods she feels wonderful. I take off her shirt and massage her breasts paying close attention to her nipples as she moves her body over mine. I want to take down her hair and let it cascade over my chest. I resist the urge to do just that. I am aware as much as I want this to last forever... we are on duty. I kiss her long and deep enjoying the feel of her body. I try to get her to slow down as she begins thrusting her hips harder and faster. I warn her she will make me cum to quickly. Suddenly she tenses, throwing her head back she moans my name loudly I feel her hot wetness as she cums, her body tightening its grip on mine. It pushes me over the edge and I moan in pleasure as I fill her with my cum, calling her name loudly. "Kathryn... I Love You." I murmur into her hair as I hold her close. "Chakotay. I Love You." I hear her reply, I can't believe she said it. I am the happiest man alive. I feel like asking her to repeat it, but don't want to risk breaking the magic of the moment. I just hold her close. Enjoying the feel of her soft flesh against mine. We smile at each other and she silently gets off me, she starts to get dressed and I follow her lead. We are on duty. I scoop her into my arms when we are both clothed again. "Dinner tonight?" I ask tentatively. She smiles back at me. "Of course handsome, we have reports to go over," she winks at me as she speaks, letting me know that she has other "reports" in mind, as she adds "we have so much work. we should just have dinner in my quarters. "Aye Captain." I answer with a wink and head out of the ready room. 


End file.
